Bronan’s Guide to Essential Kitchen Spanish

Have you ever worked in a restaurant? The most essential skill in any kitchen (besides not cutting your own dick off with a potato peeler) is giving your coworkers a hard time. Since pretty much every restaurant owner is a cheap son of a bitch who doesn’t pay shit, at least a few of the dudes working with you in the kitchen will be immigrants from Mexico or Central America. Time for a quick Spanish lesson so your gringo ass can keep up on all the best slang they forgot to teach you in high school. ***NOTE: I am most likely spelling all of this shit wrong.***

Pinche joto = “fucking fag” Machismo is an important part of Latino culture so make sure you insult your buddies’ manhood by busting out the word “joto.” Although this directly translates to “fag,” it probably also means you’re a wimp. Make it worse by throwing in “jotito,” which means “little fag.”
Ex: Toby is a pinche joto.

sexy hooters waitresses

Pictured: Grande chi-chis and a pinche joto

Culo/chi-chis = “ass/titties” Generate some macho rapport with these descriptive terms of the female anatomy. Also useful: “pinche culero,” which means “fucking asshole.” Good for discussing management.
Ex: Holy shit vato! Did you just see that caliente waitress? Chi-chis es grande! Si!

Pinocha = “pussy” The new guy can’t lift a pot full of boiling potatoes? Won’t grab the hostess’ culo? Yep, definitely a pinocha.

waiting movie

Pendejos in their natural habitat

Puto/pendejo/cabron = “fucker” Use liberally when saying hello or getting someone’s attention. Ex: “Rapido, pendejo! Mas pinche hongos!” = “hurry up, fucker! More fucking mushrooms!”

Chaka-chakaDepending on who you’re talking to, this is either “sex” or “masturbation.” Impress the entire kitchen with your library of insults! Also good: “chakatero,” which means “jackoff” and is a word most non-native speakers don’t know.
Ex: The busboy is a such a chakatero.

Chinga tu madre = “fuck your mother” & Chupa me verga - “suck my dick” Both phrases are useful for when you’re ready to quit your job.

Now that you’re an expert at communicating in a foreign language, try shouting out a few words/phrases on a crowded street. Adios, pinche cabron!

This entry was posted in Humor and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to Bronan’s Guide to Essential Kitchen Spanish

  1. Maldito Gringo says:

    Pretty girls / dimepieces = una buena, as in, that’s a “good one.”

  2. Your forgot cabron and pato. Park means both duck and fag in some countries so just a quack noise can suffice.

    • Cabron is in there. It’s by “puto” and “pendejo.” Maybe “puto” and “pato” are the same thing? My spanish sucks.

      • Puto, I believe, is the male version of “whore”

        Which reminds me, make sure you yell PUTA MADRE whenever something goes wrong.

        Also another one, “turbio” it translates to “cloudy” but is usually used with the connotation of “fucked in the head”

  3. Smaktakula says:

    Excellent suggestions. I get called ‘guero’ a lot by my friends, affectionately (I think), although I know it can sometimes be a pejorative.

  4. kluckmeister says:

    Glad to see you’re still killing it here. So many posts I can’t even decide which one to link to with my latest. Pick your favorite fat person post and I’ll throw it up there.

    I’m forwarding this to my buddy who worked at a hamburger stand near Santa Monica when he first moved to LA. He always prided himself on being our “cultural bridge” to the world of hispanic swear slang.

  5. I think puto means “faggot” more or less. A coworker was talking to our boss once- who was in a hotel in Central America- and a woman in there with him, probably a hooker, said “Chinga malo!” We asked some Mexican guys what she meant, but the closest they could come was something like “bad fucker”.

  6. Pingback: Linkage is Good for You: Week of February 19, 2012

  7. FFY says:

    Hahaha had a few Mexican and Dominican friends in high school to teach me some of this stuff. Swearing in Spanish is truly enjoyable. They used to help me invent different phrases-

    “Tu pucha huele a pescado” – your pussy smells like fish

    ^
    Puto- Bitch (calling a man a bitch) Puta (calling a woman a bitch)

    Also, surprised you didn’t add “vete al diablo”

  8. Patrick K says:

    In the UK you’ll be working with Portuguese or Polish chaps. I got quite good at Português from doing the washing up in a Japanese restaurant.

    Deixe me em paz: Leave me alone (Portuguese broholios love to shoot the shit when you’re trying to get stuff done)

    Chupa meu pau: Suck my dick

    Caralho! Fuck! (we used to say this when the grease traps caught fire)

    There was a Sri Lankan dude too but he wasn’t very chatty.

  9. Random Angeleno says:

    No discussion of Spanish sex slang is complete without “maricon”. Aka fag. A good neg to a busboy was “hey maricona!” I thought “pendejo” was asshole, but it’s been awhile.

    But I recall “chinga su madre” works well if you have a fast exit route.

  10. César says:

    I’m a Mexican so I feel the need to remind you others phrases and words you are missing (sorry if my English sucks)
    Vete a la verga = “Go to hell”, “fuck off” or “go fuck yourself”. It’s better if you use different combos: “Vete a la verga, pendejo” “Vete a la verga, pinche puto” Possibilities are endless.
    Naco = this term doesn’t have an actual meaning in english nor in spanish. The origin of this word is unknown, but is suggested that could be related to indigenous people, that’s the reason why is very offensive if you call any Mexican a naco.
    Culero, ojete = Asshole
    Pucha fácil, nalgas prontas = Easy whore
    Pucha Guanga = Old pussy
    Chúpame los huevos = Suck my nuts
    Chúntaro = poor and uneducated punk

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s